Saturday, 22 September 2012

what else could possibly go wrong

just when i thought everything was going ok.. something else comes up to fcuk shit up..

for 2 weeks everything was amazing. warm, loving, comfortable.. just.. everything i've always wanted for us.. and now that we're back to reality. the shit storm comes.

our entire relationship has been nothing but a battle. it's like we're always fighting with something.
first it was drama for us to be together
then it was drama with my parents
then it was drama with the wedding
then it was drama with my friends
now it's drama with his parents.

i literally cannot catch a break.

i can't seem to fully concentrate on anything.. i have a million thoughts in my head.. but nothing concrete.. just a bunch of what ifs and uncertainties.. giving me so much anxiety it's ridiculous. we can't seem to talk about it.. because we just don't know what to do.. it's like trying to salvage the good warm fuzzy feeling.. the few moments of genuine happiness we rarely get to feel.. talking about it over the phone just seems disconnected and cold.. the rest of our lives.. being discussed through a channel of wires and vibrating receptors.. so impersonal and distant.

we have totally different ways of thinking.. mine might seem incredibly naive or oblivious to reality.. but i feel like so long as we're together and that we want to be together we will do whatever it takes to be together. if it comes down to me having to defer and work to help pay the bills. i am more than happy to.. it doesn't mean i'll quit school forever.. just means it might take me a little longer to graduate.. i really don't see what the big deal is. and if it's that much of a fuss i can study part time and work part time. thousands of people do it. i did it when i was living in the states.. in fact.. i studied fulltime. worked one job fulltime and another job partime. just to pay for school... and keeping in mind.. i even had a scholarship.. goes to show how incredibly expensive education is in the states and how little the pay is... ugh.
he doesn't want us to waste money renting.. he wants to get a place.. but he's afraid he won't be able to pay the mortgage and support the both of us.. which absolutely makes sense.. and that comes back to me helping out... but he doesn't want me to take any longer graduating than i have to.. which is great too... but i'm studying to be a doctor.. it's not like i'm studying basket weaving... i have to get my masters in psychology and then go to med school.. volunteer in hospitals working in the trauma department for a good year or so for no or very little pay before i can decently have my own clinic or branch out with other hospitals. an idea was to move in with him and his parents and finish school over there till we both had enough to buy a house.. which is great and endearing and incredibly kind of his parents to offer.. but.. what's the point of moving there just to live with more parents. i live at home now.. what difference does it make if i move over there.. i lose a whole mess of my credits and i don't think my parents would take that idea very well.

the whole point of us getting married was so that we could be together. build our lives together. and be independent from our parents. but now with all this talk about finances and working and studying and moving cross country to be together it's done nothing but bring down our spirits. i know what i want out of this.. but.. how many more battles do we have to conquer before we can finally find peace? there's only so much a person can take. and what if it becomes too much? do we just raise the white flag and surrender?
we've gone through so much to be together and i'm still going to continue to fight for us. but it's incredibly disheartening having our parade rained down on all the time.

i just miss the fabled trembling knees. heart in my mouth. butterflies in my belly moments when i'm with him...