sorry.. no nails today.. going to be a very long.. open book diary today.. so.. feel free to keep strolling...
and truthfully.. i haven't been very inspired the past couple of days...
i don't know if anyone has been following my posts.. but i had originally started this blog as.. i guess.. a diary into my relationship and our developing story i guess.
a little over a year ago.. my partner had proposed to me. yes it was unorthodox and our situation wasn't exactly great. but i guess he felt strongly enough for me to want to start a life with me.
unfortunately to my dismay.. a series of most unfortunate events soon followed after..
he came in april to visit.. mostly to meet my parents and see how things go.. it was a complete disaster. my parents completely rejected him. and after he left my mother made me make an awful promise as to not date him. but i just couldn't because i had felt so strongly towards him. at the time i let my parents think that we stopped being.. a couple i guess and that we were just friends. in the beginning he didn't take it very well.. and we got into many arguments over it. but eventually he was very understanding and chose to continue to try. and for that i was so grateful. he understood how much my parents meant to me and still tried to make things work. i know my parents want the best for me. and they were afraid that if i ended with him that i'd be the one to have to look after him all the time. i guess they thought he was too "soft".
so we continued our relationship.. frequent skype dates and phone calls.. but obviously quiet because my parents sleep pretty early and the walls are thin. and we continued this for a couple of months.. every break i'd go to see him or he would come to see me. which was very costly for him because i wasn't working. but he said it was a small price to pay for us to be together.
it has been this way our entire relationship. just constant costly visits and chatting online. that was the only choice we had.
the last visit was the longest yet.. and ever since i came back.. its been up and down all over again. throughout the months of being a part.. there were frequent arguments. mostly because of misunderstandings that get blown out of proportion and we end up hurting each other whether it be through words or just.. neglect really. saying things we don't mean because we're too frustrated and don't know what to do to make the other happy.
i'll admit.. sometimes i wonder if we'll ever be happy just because we're so different. both in our personalities and way of thinking. well.. oddly enough... we were going to get hitched March 2013.. if you have seen my previous posts before the nail spam. obviously.. it did not go through.. and i had only found out a couple days ago that.. he had doubts. when we first cancelled it. we never talked about what happened. i guess with all the arguments and disagreements he was afraid that if we weren't getting along now.. getting married would only make it worse. and the irony of it all was.. i had those same thoughts whenever we'd get into a fight too.. and they would never truly be resolved.. we'd both say/yell our piece.. and then silence.. literally just an extended period of nothingness... till he whispers "i love you" and i just melt like chocolate in the sun. i can't help it. no matter how frustrated i am or hurt by him.. i just can't stay away from him. sometimes i wonder if we're doing each other more harm being together than giving the other the opportunity to be happy with someone else.. but i just couldn't bare to think of him being happy with anyone other then myself. and that is selfish.. but.. we've been through so much to be together.. and we've gone through so much hurt to just let it all go. (with that being said.. maybe we've been through too much hurt that it's time to cut our loses and let go) but i can't i just can't. how do you give up when it's everything you've ever wanted. sure when it's ugly.. it's horrible. but when it's great.. it's absolutely beautiful. like nothing i've ever felt before. isn't that worth holding onto? sometimes we get on like fire. but i still want him around. or maybe i'm being naive thinking that everything will eventually work itself out.. because realistically.. it takes two to make a relationship happen.. and i think with all the fighting.. it's slowly making us both numb.
no further talk about the wedding has come up.. and i don't want to say anything anymore let alone be the one to bring it up. i still have the dress that i'll never wear.. invitations that will ever be sent out.. and that makes my heart hurt. because i thought we were going to take this step together.. turns out.. i was the only one that thought we were ready. of course there was a lot that we had to work through.. but if we knew that we wanted to be together.. we'd do whatever it took to make things work.. i guess.. as cruel as they were.. my friends were right.. and now i'm here.. alone with a ring that no one knows about.. i'm just.. a girl.. who's kept in the corner until she is needed or wanted and that.. hurts. to have to endure all this.. hurt alone when.. he is supposed to be there for me. but how can he when even he doesn't know what to do anymore.
loving someone is to put their feelings above yours. regardless. maybe that is what we have yet to learn. he does things that hurt me. but more often than not. he doesn't even know when he's doing it. so when i voice it to him.. he becomes defensive because he feels like i'm attacking him. when really i just hope for him to understand and comfort me. tell me that it' not his intent.. that he'll try to do things differently.. but instead.. we get into a heated argument and end up saying mean things to each other. that in itself should show that we're not ready to get married yet.. will we ever?
so. here i am. wasting away my days studying or painting my nails.. it's the only time anyone ever notices me now..