rage post

this is going to be a rage post tonight.

he's in town this week. it was meant to be a boys trip for him and his mates. but two of them bailed because of work obligations. so then there were three...

i saw him saturday which was very nice. we had lunch together with his friend and we went out that night with my cousin and one of my friends.

for the next couple of days.. he's spending it with his mates. he invited me to some of their shindigs but i have exams and papers coming out of my ears. so i had to decline.. but that's not the drama. the drama is.. months earlier.. i used to go out with my girlfriends.. every now and then we'd get together have dinner and go out to a bar for some drinks than karaoke or clubbing depending on their moods. and of course.. every single time that i went.. he and i would get into a fight. massive screaming fight over the phone. about how i get ditched and that he's worried i wouldn't make it home in one piece.. because apparently ALL girls who go out at night get abducted and raped. but mind you.. i'd be in the car on my way home by the time this interrogation happens. so what is it that you're really upset about.

well.. last couple of weeks including this trip... he's been going to bars and clubs because of friends going away or friends having new jobs.. the excuses are endless. and it's ok for him to go. but if the tables were turned.. he would have gone bat shit crazy at me. fcuking hypocrite.
whenever i say something about it.. he tries to bring up all the other times that i've gone out. yeah well.. i didn't do what you did all those times i went out. so if you're trying to nit pick about what we did back then.. you're not going to win. ever. (times like this. makes me wonder if we're really ready to get married. still both so immature and reckless.) i only think it's fair that if he goes out. so can i. but he thinks i'm doing it in spite of him... so it's ok for him to not have a say in where his friends want to go.. but that couldn't possibly ever happen for me.

*sighs*

a lot more is riding on this trip at the end of the year than i had anticipated. i was excited about it then.. but now i'm just stressed and.. almost dreading it. and it's pretty scary to think this trip will make or break our relationship and determine whether or not we get married. because.. there is only 2 outcomes that can happen with this trip. either we end up married... or never speak to or see each other ever again.