Thursday, 16 May 2013

bring it.

DMT post today. no nailings... you've been warned.

--things have been getting worse these past couple of weeks. if we don't fight at least every week... it's every few days. i don't know what it is.. such small small things.. escalated and end up hurting one another. is it just us? does anyone else go through any of this?
i understand that it's difficult being in a long distance relationship.. for one the lack of intimacy is very trying on the relationship.. and whenever we get into these fights.. it's so difficult to make up. even though we've stopped arguing... we end up feeling insecure and unloved.. something as simple as a hug or holding that person can help alleviate that hurt.. but.. it's simply impossible for us.
when he comes home after a long day at work.. he just wants to mellow and do nothing. which is understandable.. but i've been pulling my hair out at uni all day and straining my brain doing all the readings and assessments soon as i get home.. i want to.. hang out i want to do things with him. (which sounds really silly because.. what are our options really...) he calls me everyday on his way home from work.. usually telling me about his day and vice versa. then when he gets home.. plop* he just mellows out in bed for a little while i'm on the phone.. and then he has to shower and have dinner.. which is basically my bed time already... you'd think after 2 years that we should be used to it by now.. not so much.. almost feels worse because we've spent so much time apart.. i'm not sure we remember what it was like when we were together anymore.
we've almost called it quits a few times now with all the arguments and bickering.. do we stay and try to work at it.. or cut our losses and try to find happiness else where...

heh.. the dress i'll never wear.. guess since the date is undetermined now.. and i won't be wearing it anymore.. it won't be bad luck?
she's still sitting at a friends house.. locked inside the cupboard collecting dust. sounds awful but i spoke to her about getting rid of it.. might as well blow the money on something else rather than keeping it with no purpose..

(kind of struggling to find words to finish this post after seeing those pictures..)

i was in the hospital for most of the day yesterday. severe abdominal cramps... i usually get cramps whenever i'm on my menstrual cycle.. but yesterday was just unbearable. my dad took me to Liverpool hospital where i proceeded to wait 2 hours for an ultrasound because i was classified as not serious and on medicare.. (go figure) turns out i have chocolate cysts on my uterus. (yay me) which usually aren't that bad and can be treated with ibuprofen or a heat pad.. but apparently mine were sizeable and because i have a family history of ovarian cancer.. the doctor wanted to draw blood for further tests just to be on the safe side. i was prescribed fancy panadol and told to go home and wait for the results in a few weeks. so.. on top of my exams coming up.. my couple thousand word assessments due. fighting with my partner.. i might have cancer.. well whoopty fucking do. what else is new.

i really don't know what's going to happen between him and i.. i just hope things will pan out smoothly until i move over there.. and hopefully the bickering will subside.. because.. it's not always like this.  and i really do hope for us to be happy. together. i refuse to believe we went through all of this for nothing. as for the chocolates.. no point worrying about something you're not sure is going to happen. but don't get me wrong.. i'm pretty freaked out. can't tell if i'm in denial or just hasn't sunk in... or probably a little loopy from the pain med the doctor gave me. whatever the case.. my nails chipped just this morning from the microwave when i went to microwave my heat pad for my tummy... so the torture begins...

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